To Hold The Child
So much I have to say
Many words spoken though, I still have not said it.
For my entire life I have spoken into the silence,
yelled into canyons, along streams, out in the wilderness
my feelings for you--and all that I feel yet,
held it back in your presence--feeling you holding it back too.
I really had no idea.
Even when I started to have an idea,
I did not imagine so clearly,
the environment in which you were raised,
as your wife and my mother presented it this day.
I am humbled to know of your childhood,
a child who grew into a man so thoughtful and giving,
a man who didn't recall ever being hugged or kissed
by his mother and father, or hearing "I love you" spoken to him.
I wept when I learned of this.
My heart reached out to hold the child in you
as you have held the child in me.
Secretly, this has been a longing.
Often this dream has visited my nights and days.
As a child, I carried a question:
How could you have treated me that way?
Unspeakable pain projected.
I didn't understand or have the knowing to begin understanding.
Many years, much loving and many tears later,
I carry the same question though, with a very different angle.
How could you have treated me the way you did,
with so much love?
After experiencing what you did in your upbringing,
for you to be the ways you've been, to do all you've done
so beautifully, selflessly, and consistently,
touches me in a way I don't know if I'll ever be able to say...
With a clearer sight, I now see the immense leap in evolution
you have made from where you were, to who you are today.
We have all lived out the timeline of our ancestors
and by the Grace of God, made small and sometimes large steps
to who we are and "how" we are today.
What a blessing to hold the child you are.
Comforting you and feeling our walls falling...
the gap between our perceived differences
filled with the clarity of pure, simple caring and love.
Men have been taught to fear, in a round-about way,
the tenderness we have so often longed for.
We have been taught to be strong, without being given
genuine examples of strength, other than the ones that matched
the old archetypes of what man is and "how" he is supposed to be,
according to those who came before us.
We know, beneath the exterior, man melts
before the love of woman--her softness a strength
we get to embrace in ourselves.
I have noticed, the more I choose to hold the child
inside of me, the sweeter life is becoming
and the clearer I am able to see myself and all others.
My love for you, the honor I hold in knowing you,
the example of a man you are to me
shines brightly in the skies of my life.
I hope I have begun to say it...
I love you so very much!
Matisha ~ August 9, 2000
© 2000 Matisha